What about the future
A mother lost…. In a way it is an identity, it is the sadness in which I am. I think I would be a terrific mother, if I just had the chance. I try to tell my self that in me there is a mother lost.
My story is the story of a very tragic word, infertility. I think it is a word that is very difficult to comprehend if you haven’t been there yourself. It is an impact in your life that follows you through everything.
It excludes you from many things in our society, and it will continue to do that. It is not only the loss of children; it is the loss of grandchildren and a part that takes up most of our society.
I lost my first son in a car accident. He was still inside of me and everything happened very quickly. A driver run a red light and hit the passenger side of our car. My last memory is looking down and seeing all the blood. When we arrived at the hospital my son was stillborn. I hold him in my arms and from that moment everything changed.
Our relationship didn’t survive. My boyfriend drove the car and felt a lot of guilt, for my self the mourning was so intense so there was no room for his feelings in my life. We split up soon after.
That was 23 years ago, since then I have lost so many children that I stopped counting. About seven month ago, my husband and I lost our expected twins, it was our 11:th miscarriage in five years. After that a part of me gave up. A part of me felt that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I turned into my self. I have spent the last six month thinking, trying to comprehend. Trying to understand what all this mean to me, without finding any answers.
I need to find a way to believe in the future. I need to feel that my dream can be there, can be reached. I need to find the strength to reach it, to walk that last mile that will bring me there.
But knowing what has happened in the past, it is much easier to look back than to go forward. It is much easier to see what is behind you, than believing in a future.
My story is the story of a very tragic word, infertility. I think it is a word that is very difficult to comprehend if you haven’t been there yourself. It is an impact in your life that follows you through everything.
It excludes you from many things in our society, and it will continue to do that. It is not only the loss of children; it is the loss of grandchildren and a part that takes up most of our society.
I lost my first son in a car accident. He was still inside of me and everything happened very quickly. A driver run a red light and hit the passenger side of our car. My last memory is looking down and seeing all the blood. When we arrived at the hospital my son was stillborn. I hold him in my arms and from that moment everything changed.
Our relationship didn’t survive. My boyfriend drove the car and felt a lot of guilt, for my self the mourning was so intense so there was no room for his feelings in my life. We split up soon after.
That was 23 years ago, since then I have lost so many children that I stopped counting. About seven month ago, my husband and I lost our expected twins, it was our 11:th miscarriage in five years. After that a part of me gave up. A part of me felt that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I turned into my self. I have spent the last six month thinking, trying to comprehend. Trying to understand what all this mean to me, without finding any answers.
I need to find a way to believe in the future. I need to feel that my dream can be there, can be reached. I need to find the strength to reach it, to walk that last mile that will bring me there.
But knowing what has happened in the past, it is much easier to look back than to go forward. It is much easier to see what is behind you, than believing in a future.
posted by C_L | 2:29 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home