Which day is it going to be to day?
Sometimes when I wake up in the morning I ask myself, which day is it going to be today. Am I going to wake up to a beautiful morning and a beautiful day where I feel strong and comfortable with my self? Or is it going to be one of those days where I only want to return to the bed. When the tears are just behind my eyes and the only thing I want to do is hiding somewhere in my big house.
On a good day I am strong. I am invincible, I look on the world and I think to myself that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I say; Well it is going to work it self out. We are going to solve the problem and finally get to our drams.
Other days I say to my self; if we don’t get any children, we still survive. Our relationship is strong enough to handle it.
On a good day I feel like it is the truth. I feel like I mean it. That it doesn’t really matter if we get pregnant or not, that a childfree life is worth living.
I guess that is living in a lie. On a good day I can convince myself that the lie is the truth…. then reality catches up with me and the lie hits me… and so the bad days start.
I don’t know if I am more realistic on a bad day? I only know that the impact of a childfree life is too much to cope with. On those days it is very difficult to see the meaning of even the simplest of things. Every little tiny moment somehow reminds me of what we lost. In those moments I don’t look at it as a dream. I only feel the heavy load on my shoulders. I only feel the tears so thick that they don’t even fall anymore.
I don’t cry anymore, not because I don’t have any tears left. I don’t cry because my tears are too many, like a Los Angeles traffic jam. Nothing moves because it is just too much.
This is a good day; this is a day of reflection and, in a way, a day of dreams. I dare to dream right know. I dare to picture myself with our long awaited child. I dare to believe I wake up tomorrow, one step closer to our dream.
But I fear not knowing if tomorrow are going to be one step closer to our dream, or three steps back...
On a good day I am strong. I am invincible, I look on the world and I think to myself that everything is going to be okay. Sometimes I say; Well it is going to work it self out. We are going to solve the problem and finally get to our drams.
Other days I say to my self; if we don’t get any children, we still survive. Our relationship is strong enough to handle it.
On a good day I feel like it is the truth. I feel like I mean it. That it doesn’t really matter if we get pregnant or not, that a childfree life is worth living.
I guess that is living in a lie. On a good day I can convince myself that the lie is the truth…. then reality catches up with me and the lie hits me… and so the bad days start.
I don’t know if I am more realistic on a bad day? I only know that the impact of a childfree life is too much to cope with. On those days it is very difficult to see the meaning of even the simplest of things. Every little tiny moment somehow reminds me of what we lost. In those moments I don’t look at it as a dream. I only feel the heavy load on my shoulders. I only feel the tears so thick that they don’t even fall anymore.
I don’t cry anymore, not because I don’t have any tears left. I don’t cry because my tears are too many, like a Los Angeles traffic jam. Nothing moves because it is just too much.
This is a good day; this is a day of reflection and, in a way, a day of dreams. I dare to dream right know. I dare to picture myself with our long awaited child. I dare to believe I wake up tomorrow, one step closer to our dream.
But I fear not knowing if tomorrow are going to be one step closer to our dream, or three steps back...
posted by C_L | 11:44 AM
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