A balance between hope and fear…

I haven’t been here for awhile, mainly because I have tried not to think about all this. But how do you not think about something that consumes your whole life?
Am I to fear the future or am I to feel hopeful?
I guess for the moment I fear the future more. Some mornings I wake up and it is very difficult to find a reason for me to move out of the bed.
When fear grows to strong on us, somehow it eats up all the hope. Do I dare to hope? When I say those magic words, will they vanish and leave me there with nothing else than the fear?
Time is my worst enemy right know. I count my life in cycles, those few days when we have a chance… then I return into my dark feelings, waiting, not counting until the inevitable is a fact.
Life starts again, to slowly build up to the magical point, and jet another month of my life have gone by. A month were I haven’t had any strength left to life, because all my strength is needed to once again balance between hope and fear…