Back to hope and fear...
I have done a lot of reading today, and some thinking. When I read a post on another blog I started to think about “hope”.
Like I wrote day before yesterday I am starting to feel hopeful again. These last few months something inside of me have slowly started to wake up.
I am somehow ready to face the world again. I dare to dream… and it has been a long time since I could say that and truly believe it.
That’s when hope comes in. When I was a kid my father used to tell me; it is better to hope for something, to feel it, taste it and let the hope make you happy.
He said that; no matter if your hopes and dreams get shattered, you still had your dream. For a brief moment of time you lived your dream and that dream and the feeling of hope made you happy and will help you to walk the extra miles.
He used to say; rejoice in that happiness and if life fails you, at least you have been happy instead of having nothing.
For a long time I lived like that, I embraced my dream and every time things where looking good I started to hope. For few brief moments; I have been happily pregnant… a lot of times… actually.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I decided I wasn’t going to let hope betray me. I wasn’t going to acknowledge what was happening. I went into a “wait and see”- state of mind. I thought; let’s just make it through another week, and then maybe I can start to hope… and then another week and maybe…….
We came to nine weeks, much further than we made it in a long time. I started to hope and just as I formed the thought that “maybe”… it all ended.
Loosing hope made me stop believing in the future. I didn’t cross over to the dark side, but I was in a very dark place, very close to it.
I didn’t loose faith, but I stopped looking for a future. When I lost “hope” I started to fear the future instead of believing in it.
When we miscarriaged again this winter I didn’t go back to the dark place, I felt I lived in after the twins. Why? It wasn’t easier in any way, but I kept believing and hoping. I allowed myself to believe in a future again.
That made all the difference and the fear of the future changed into a maybe… and on my good days, looking at the apple trees, I feel hope again.
Like I wrote day before yesterday I am starting to feel hopeful again. These last few months something inside of me have slowly started to wake up.
I am somehow ready to face the world again. I dare to dream… and it has been a long time since I could say that and truly believe it.
That’s when hope comes in. When I was a kid my father used to tell me; it is better to hope for something, to feel it, taste it and let the hope make you happy.
He said that; no matter if your hopes and dreams get shattered, you still had your dream. For a brief moment of time you lived your dream and that dream and the feeling of hope made you happy and will help you to walk the extra miles.
He used to say; rejoice in that happiness and if life fails you, at least you have been happy instead of having nothing.
For a long time I lived like that, I embraced my dream and every time things where looking good I started to hope. For few brief moments; I have been happily pregnant… a lot of times… actually.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I decided I wasn’t going to let hope betray me. I wasn’t going to acknowledge what was happening. I went into a “wait and see”- state of mind. I thought; let’s just make it through another week, and then maybe I can start to hope… and then another week and maybe…….
We came to nine weeks, much further than we made it in a long time. I started to hope and just as I formed the thought that “maybe”… it all ended.
Loosing hope made me stop believing in the future. I didn’t cross over to the dark side, but I was in a very dark place, very close to it.
I didn’t loose faith, but I stopped looking for a future. When I lost “hope” I started to fear the future instead of believing in it.
When we miscarriaged again this winter I didn’t go back to the dark place, I felt I lived in after the twins. Why? It wasn’t easier in any way, but I kept believing and hoping. I allowed myself to believe in a future again.
That made all the difference and the fear of the future changed into a maybe… and on my good days, looking at the apple trees, I feel hope again.
posted by C_L | 2:58 PM
1 Comments:
Hope is a good thing... I like how your father described hope. Most days I feel that way about it... other days not so much. Ultimately it's a dance that I don't do well... enjoy the apple blossoms and that smidgen of hope that has crept in... I hope it makes you happy and that your dream does come true.
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