The unknown

How do you face the unknown? The best way to find the missing piece of the puzzle is to look for the things that are hidden, the things that are not there.
I can’t except the term “unexplained”. For me the term is a way to hide a lack of understanding, a lack of not knowing.
If we can’t understand a problem, if we don’t know the way to find a solution, we must give it a label. By that we confine the problem to someone else. It is not our own lack of understanding that creates the problem; instead we push it over to the other parts ability to be inside a given normality of a problem.

Unexplained infertility is like that. If we are diagnosed “unexplained” we are pushed outside the norm! There are no fixed solutions to what will solve our problems and the doctors can fall back on the lack of normality, instead of having to redefine the problem.
By that I doesn’t say that there is no progress in the IF area, of course there are, but there is a long way for progress to reach outside the research labs and into the clinics.

It is very easy for a doctor to say; “this is not statistically proven, so I don’t believe in this.”
And instead they cling to the idea of us being “unknown” as if it was a diagnose, or even a condition.
I am unexplained; we suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. Part of the problems comes from Hughes syndrome, but the other part is still hidden from medical society.
Is it because my problem is unique in any way? Probably not, I find it very hard to believe that the reason I can’t carry a pregnancy to full terms is something unique for me.

Instead I believe that there is too many missing pieces from my puzzle, so no one has really bothered to figure out the complete picture. It is easier to state it is "unexplained"

After all this years trying to beat IF I have come to one simple conclusion; if the puzzle is supposed to be solved…. I am the one who have to find the pieces. I simply can’t put the life of my unborned child in the hands of someone who can’t face the unknown and show an understanding for the missing pieces.

Back to hope and fear...

I have done a lot of reading today, and some thinking. When I read a post on another blog I started to think about “hope”.
Like I wrote day before yesterday I am starting to feel hopeful again. These last few months something inside of me have slowly started to wake up.
I am somehow ready to face the world again. I dare to dream… and it has been a long time since I could say that and truly believe it.

That’s when hope comes in. When I was a kid my father used to tell me; it is better to hope for something, to feel it, taste it and let the hope make you happy.
He said that; no matter if your hopes and dreams get shattered, you still had your dream. For a brief moment of time you lived your dream and that dream and the feeling of hope made you happy and will help you to walk the extra miles.
He used to say; rejoice in that happiness and if life fails you, at least you have been happy instead of having nothing.

For a long time I lived like that, I embraced my dream and every time things where looking good I started to hope. For few brief moments; I have been happily pregnant… a lot of times… actually.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I decided I wasn’t going to let hope betray me. I wasn’t going to acknowledge what was happening. I went into a “wait and see”- state of mind. I thought; let’s just make it through another week, and then maybe I can start to hope… and then another week and maybe…….
We came to nine weeks, much further than we made it in a long time. I started to hope and just as I formed the thought that “maybe”… it all ended.
Loosing hope made me stop believing in the future. I didn’t cross over to the dark side, but I was in a very dark place, very close to it.
I didn’t loose faith, but I stopped looking for a future. When I lost “hope” I started to fear the future instead of believing in it.

When we miscarriaged again this winter I didn’t go back to the dark place, I felt I lived in after the twins. Why? It wasn’t easier in any way, but I kept believing and hoping. I allowed myself to believe in a future again.
That made all the difference and the fear of the future changed into a maybe… and on my good days, looking at the apple trees, I feel hope again.

Hope

These last couple of days I have been waking up feeling hope. The feeling of "maybe" have settled into something a little bit more.
So how do I cling to the feeling? How do I feel the hope and not give in to the "maybe"?
I guess the difference is the little things, the apple blossoms that are all over the garden. The birds that is nesting under the roof or the hedgehog moving around in front of the front porch. I guess they all say the same thing; hope is out there.

When I try to rationalize I try to tell myself that it is my turn to decide. Am I going to feel hopeful or am I going to be my own shadow.
Infertility does that to you, make yourself into your own shadow.
For now I have decided on "hope".

Here again

Long time no see.... thought why not give this blog idea another chance. Not much has changed since June. A long hard winter with a lot of long hard decisions, we misscarriade again and now we are up to 12 m/c. The always eternal question what do we want to do with our lives. The problem is, me thinking and DH (dear husband) hovering around the issues.

Is he committed? To me; Yes I am sure of it. To a life with or without children; Haven’t got a clue.
I feel like time is just running away from me and I am not sure of how I will use it. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of my inner self is occupied by this. He now that I have changed. He can se and feel the change, but I don’t think he understand the depth of it.
Some days I feel like I have no reason to laugh anymore. Some days I think; Maybe.
The last couple of days the feeling of “maybe” have getting hold of me again. Maybe I will try this once more and maybe we get there this time.
Have I found a way to believe in the future, not yet. But I am getting there.