The search for missing pieces!

The best way to find the missing pieces is to go about this from another way. What is missing in the puzzle?
I have spent a couple of hours on the internet trying to figure out how you terminate a pregnancy. My goal is the opposite, but trying to understand how I support a pregnancy is obviously not helping me. So I have decided to look at it from another angle and find answers to the question; how you terminate a pregnancy.

There is a lot on the subject, mostly hidden behind a disclaimer. There is some traditional knowledge, but very little that can guarantee success. Unfortunately some of the advice belongs to ordinary kitchen supplies. What I have found so far is that the following herbs can terminate pregnancies if they are digested:

• Parsley (rather small amounts, stimulates AF. Comined with vitamine C it is a strong herb for termination)
• Ginger (also small amounts)
• Pineapple (the more immature the worse the effect. This surprised me since I have seen the advice to drink pineapple juice on a lot of fertility sites)
• Vitamin C (large amounts seems to change the uterus lining)
• Rosemary and Sage (same effect as parsley)
• Horseradish (effects the uterus)

Another group of herbs act contraceptive and can create an implant failure. On that list some interesting stuff came up.

Wild yam
This surprised me since I have seen it on some fertility sites, claimed to enhance hormone production. The answer is it depends on where in the cycle you are. Up to ovulation wild yam is a fertility treatment, after ovulation it becomes a contraceptive, maybe not the most effective one but still a contraceptive.

Wild carrot
From what I have read, the seeds from wild carrot seem like one of the strongest natural contraceptive since it changes the progesterone balance and creates an implantation failure.
This rises an interesting question; what about “domestic” carrots? Since they are a direct child of the wild carrot can they have similar effects? I haven’t found anything on that subject so far, but for now carrots are out of my diet.

Neem oil
Mostly used in natural pesticides, something I don’t usually have in my diet ;-)

What seems to be a very powerful herb is Angelica. Other dangerous herbs are Tansy and Penny Royal, none of these are in my diets.

Well, looking at the list I can come to some conclusions; some of these are in my diet. We like Asian food so we eat some ginger, parsley is high on the list. We definitely eat some pineapple, especially when the fresh season starts. I drink a lot of orange juice and eat at least one grapefruit a week, don’t know if that counts as a lot of vitamin C. I Am not so fond of Rosemary, but eat a lot of horseradish in the summer.

Then we have the question about carrots. I haven’t found anything that says anything about carrots and their effect on fertility. There is also nothing indicating that the substance in the seeds is the same as the substance in the actual carrot so I will think about that one.
At least the parsley and ginger is out of my diet… the pineapple to.

Back on the roller coaster

So we are back on the roller coaster again.... the decision has been made and it feels great, scary, troublesome…. But for some strange reason it doesn’t feel hopeless. During our last IVF:s that was the most overwhelming feeling.

The feeling of hope remains inside me, but it’s not that strong yet and I am not accustom to it. I don’t dare look into the future… not yet.
For the moment I just take on step at a time and look where it leads me.

The first step is in about three weeks. We are going to a new clinic. We have decided that we don’t trust our old clinic any more; basically because they don’t listen to us and take us seriously. Since we pay the bill that is the least they can do, but obviously they don’t think like that. So our trust and our money are going somewhere else.

We discovered rather early that our fertilization rate was very low. The clinic had a hunch that it was hard for the little guys to penetrate the egg shell. Well that sounded reasonable, so our last IVF (#4) we said we wanted to go for ICSI. The clinic said no, and stated that there was no medical evidence that the egg couldn’t be penetrated. After a long discussion we settled on half to ICSI and the other half to a traditional IVF. We had eight eggs, the ICSI:s fertilized, but none of the IVF:s. I feel like they cheated us on what could have been four great embies. So we decided to change clinic.

The last couple of month we have been shopping for a new clinic. An interesting shopping list, not the usual weekend stuff ;-)

• Are you going to let us choose ICSI?
• Are you taking miscarriages seriously
• What does your protocol looks like?
• Do you believe in the possibility of immune issues?
• Are you supporting our need for extra hormones during the luteal phase?

The questions seemed endless and sometimes I feel like I know more about IVF protocols than most of the consultants I have talked to.
We finally found a clinic saying something very close to what we want to here. In about three weeks we are going for a first meeting. If they thought the first list was long…. ;-)

The unknown

How do you face the unknown? The best way to find the missing piece of the puzzle is to look for the things that are hidden, the things that are not there.
I can’t except the term “unexplained”. For me the term is a way to hide a lack of understanding, a lack of not knowing.
If we can’t understand a problem, if we don’t know the way to find a solution, we must give it a label. By that we confine the problem to someone else. It is not our own lack of understanding that creates the problem; instead we push it over to the other parts ability to be inside a given normality of a problem.

Unexplained infertility is like that. If we are diagnosed “unexplained” we are pushed outside the norm! There are no fixed solutions to what will solve our problems and the doctors can fall back on the lack of normality, instead of having to redefine the problem.
By that I doesn’t say that there is no progress in the IF area, of course there are, but there is a long way for progress to reach outside the research labs and into the clinics.

It is very easy for a doctor to say; “this is not statistically proven, so I don’t believe in this.”
And instead they cling to the idea of us being “unknown” as if it was a diagnose, or even a condition.
I am unexplained; we suffer from recurrent pregnancy loss. Part of the problems comes from Hughes syndrome, but the other part is still hidden from medical society.
Is it because my problem is unique in any way? Probably not, I find it very hard to believe that the reason I can’t carry a pregnancy to full terms is something unique for me.

Instead I believe that there is too many missing pieces from my puzzle, so no one has really bothered to figure out the complete picture. It is easier to state it is "unexplained"

After all this years trying to beat IF I have come to one simple conclusion; if the puzzle is supposed to be solved…. I am the one who have to find the pieces. I simply can’t put the life of my unborned child in the hands of someone who can’t face the unknown and show an understanding for the missing pieces.

Back to hope and fear...

I have done a lot of reading today, and some thinking. When I read a post on another blog I started to think about “hope”.
Like I wrote day before yesterday I am starting to feel hopeful again. These last few months something inside of me have slowly started to wake up.
I am somehow ready to face the world again. I dare to dream… and it has been a long time since I could say that and truly believe it.

That’s when hope comes in. When I was a kid my father used to tell me; it is better to hope for something, to feel it, taste it and let the hope make you happy.
He said that; no matter if your hopes and dreams get shattered, you still had your dream. For a brief moment of time you lived your dream and that dream and the feeling of hope made you happy and will help you to walk the extra miles.
He used to say; rejoice in that happiness and if life fails you, at least you have been happy instead of having nothing.

For a long time I lived like that, I embraced my dream and every time things where looking good I started to hope. For few brief moments; I have been happily pregnant… a lot of times… actually.
When I was pregnant with the twins, I decided I wasn’t going to let hope betray me. I wasn’t going to acknowledge what was happening. I went into a “wait and see”- state of mind. I thought; let’s just make it through another week, and then maybe I can start to hope… and then another week and maybe…….
We came to nine weeks, much further than we made it in a long time. I started to hope and just as I formed the thought that “maybe”… it all ended.
Loosing hope made me stop believing in the future. I didn’t cross over to the dark side, but I was in a very dark place, very close to it.
I didn’t loose faith, but I stopped looking for a future. When I lost “hope” I started to fear the future instead of believing in it.

When we miscarriaged again this winter I didn’t go back to the dark place, I felt I lived in after the twins. Why? It wasn’t easier in any way, but I kept believing and hoping. I allowed myself to believe in a future again.
That made all the difference and the fear of the future changed into a maybe… and on my good days, looking at the apple trees, I feel hope again.

Hope

These last couple of days I have been waking up feeling hope. The feeling of "maybe" have settled into something a little bit more.
So how do I cling to the feeling? How do I feel the hope and not give in to the "maybe"?
I guess the difference is the little things, the apple blossoms that are all over the garden. The birds that is nesting under the roof or the hedgehog moving around in front of the front porch. I guess they all say the same thing; hope is out there.

When I try to rationalize I try to tell myself that it is my turn to decide. Am I going to feel hopeful or am I going to be my own shadow.
Infertility does that to you, make yourself into your own shadow.
For now I have decided on "hope".

Here again

Long time no see.... thought why not give this blog idea another chance. Not much has changed since June. A long hard winter with a lot of long hard decisions, we misscarriade again and now we are up to 12 m/c. The always eternal question what do we want to do with our lives. The problem is, me thinking and DH (dear husband) hovering around the issues.

Is he committed? To me; Yes I am sure of it. To a life with or without children; Haven’t got a clue.
I feel like time is just running away from me and I am not sure of how I will use it. I don’t think he will ever understand how much of my inner self is occupied by this. He now that I have changed. He can se and feel the change, but I don’t think he understand the depth of it.
Some days I feel like I have no reason to laugh anymore. Some days I think; Maybe.
The last couple of days the feeling of “maybe” have getting hold of me again. Maybe I will try this once more and maybe we get there this time.
Have I found a way to believe in the future, not yet. But I am getting there.

How much can you trust your body?

I hear woman say that they know exactly what is going on in their bodies. They know exactly where they are in their cycle and how they are supposed to feel in every step.
Is it because they don’t need to listen? Is it because they don’t have to look at every strange little phenomenon and because of that it doesn’t really matter what the body says?
Not listening and not knowing, is that what makes the bodies signal system very clear and easy to understand?
For me is it the opposite! I listen to every little strange sound, every little odd feeling, and every peculiar twitch and it doesn’t make sense.
I haven’t got a clue to what my body is up to! My breast hurts, well that is a pregnancy symptom, or is it just a symptom of all the medication I put myself trough? Even though they usually don’t hurt, does that mean the medications finally are working, and so is it the medication or an early pregnancy symptom?
My lower back hurts! Is that the first signs of AF or is it the uterus stretching to be cozier for a little embryo?
I feel a little nauseous, is that a side effect of the drugs or is it the first pregnancy symptom?
I am in a terrible mood, is that PMS or is it just me going nuts trying to listen to all signs from my body?